i so hurt now..help me.....

Last night suppose to be fun moment for me, but it was damn suck. I went to my school reunion with my sister. i wore white bubble dress with pink heels and my hair was tied up so nicely till i look like a bride. the dinner was at Kuching Park Hotel, and guess what, it was in the same place where my ex boyfriend brother's wedding. Before that i have asked to god to not let me see him..or her ..however things doesn't came as what i wanted it to be... from a far distance as came out from the car moving forward to the hotel lobby, i saw a figure of guy that i know who he might be, my heart feel so not nice, i told my sister "i think i saw him, there infront of the hotel". I try to walk calm and ignore his existen, however, he recognized me, turning at me twice, but i just move forward. i wish he doesn't not see me at all but most of all i wish i had never see him that night. Since then i can't sit still, my mind keep thinking of him, keep wondering if she there.Im so stupid, i have should not think of him, because he never thought of me, my feeling, all he know is to hurt it again and again. The night became more tragic to me when my sister rushed out from the dinner room to the lift area. I followed her from the back went down to the lobby, my heart start to get really bleeding inside when i saw him bring the girl along. seem like the gal just arrived, and i knew its not planned earlier because the girl came about 9pm...i so sad and down by that time, i just could not let my self see them walking towards the hotel, i keep looking at my phone wondering and trying to make my self calm. But only god knows how i felt inside, how hurt i was that moment. they were happy enjoying, but me, suffering for what they done just to reunite..do u think it is fair?but thats the truth, nothing is fair and square in this world.huhuh....it is not i'm jealous seing them together, but i was hurt because i can't believe him and that girl which i thought was nice one done that to me..mayb its my fault being to sweet and good untill people take me for granted..all i want now is that god send one of his angel to help me to forget about him, heel the pain im having inside and go through all this obstacle.. i can't do it along now..after one, there is another challenge came in my life..most of all i wished not to see him or her, as it will only will make my recovering process more slow...just wanna let them know, i forgive them already, i just want them stop talking bout me, because i myself wanna rest in peace as what i told everyone who us bout him and me..i told them he rest in peace...i have nothing to do with him...huhuhu...god please dont let me see him again.....i don't want to feel sad..i just wanna happy...why isn't everytime i start to stop thinking of him, when my feeling for him vanished, when i did't think that he had ever existed in my life, you make me to start to think and down by letting me seing him,....what are you trying to tell me god....hhuhuu..im so not strong as before now..i weak and becoming the mag that been left on the 30th december 2008...now i have to struggle climbing back alll the steps to get rid the pain and my mind over him...i need help so much now....huhuhu

my love journey.... once upon a time

Everyone in this world ever been in love, so do i. but not everyone have gone through the same bad moment as the others might have been in..here out of sudden, my heart wanting me to share and express my experience..not asking for anyone sympathy or what, but hoping it might open some people eyes or see the realities of life. Most of us only see conflict in love through the television, via reading, but not all of us understand and believe that what happened in the drama and the stories we read do happen in this real world. i myself now struggling to believe and accept that though..it is hard but what to do...life must go on

im sure you don't really will understand what i'm talking about..so let me tell u the whole story of my love in the past that some of my closed ones said it just like the drama that we watched in the movie..

i knew this guy at a friend's house during the second day of christmas,..at first i wasn't have any attention to even look at his face but when my cousin keep sayingbout how handsome he is till she felt she likes him already then i got the feeling to see him..yeah he is a really good looking guy with sweet smile and when ever he smile sincerely you could see his eyes shining as pure as the star shining up high in the sky giving you some lights to lightwn up your night..from that moment onward, i kept looking at him, looking observing his characters, his behaviour..i can say that he is a very shy type of guy indeed, and really can see that he is every girl dream guy..once he fall inlove with you, he will do his very best to make you happy,taking care of your feeling...i fall for that..i never thought he did in the same time observing me, looking at me without my notice..but somehow, there is a time when our eyes caught each others eyes, by then both trying hard to cover it up as in nothing was happen...i never knew that, the moment, that certain day will change my life, will change me and will make me fall inlove again..but it has happened and now it left as a sweet moment ,memories of mine that will never will vanished from me, thought how hard i will try to burry it deep inside my brokenheart..no matter how hurt i am now, deep inside me there is still some corner of my heart keep playing, refreshing me with those unforgetfull moment..
i really love him a lot, and i know he does love me when we were in relationship, i still remember how he really wanted me and him to be in the relationship, how he really wanted that relationship to happen till we reunite in god's house..but now its left as another history, i did cried when i reread the email he sent to me before when he was at offshore a day after valentine's day saying he really wanting the relationship to work out..it really make my tears falling as smooth as the water flowing in the river..but now it will always remain as a hope,a wish and another history , and yet another dream that will never will come true as everything has apart...he was a really good guy i can ensure you that,no matter how, no matter what and no matter where he is or where im, he will always by myside, keep on encouraging me, helping me and care for me..i really miss that..really miss him..everything going really well the first 6 months, everything sweet, when i felt i miss him alot and really can stand already not seing him, i fly off to miri just to see him no matter what it takes me too, though i have to skip my class, lied, i willing to do for him..silly me..but what can i do, i really love him more than anything, and so do him that time,i really can see and felt that..however after the 1st 6 months, everything abit by abit..slowly till the 27th december everything start to apart changing drastically..and in one night his feeling change, his mind change..and i cant do anything at all..all i remember now is , someone has really trying hard to make us apart, looking for my mistake to make me look really bad to make him felt so negatively till couldn't see or think in positive way as he always did before...i so couldn't believe that a girl which i thought was a sweet type and assume as a friend, will turn out to be like that..so fake as you will not believe it with your own eyes, so fakes that you will always felt in her trap..and i couldnt stop letting my mind keep viewing the incidents when i caught that girl fetching my bf from his house just after he sent me to my sis's place not come to 1 hour..i really hurt but i control myself from going mad crazily..but i couldn't stop my cousin and sis from being mad at those 2 and scolded them, cause they care for me and were hurt too when seing a guy like him did that,never have they thought he will do such kind of thing..and you know what, the girl said this "i so not like them" and i answer her back "your love ones will do the same thing they do now when they saw your bf with other girl sneak out behind you" she kept quite then suddenly say this "i cannot let you be with this kind of people, you might be hurt"huh what is she thinking hah..she judging people that she really doesn't know at all and the person she was talking about were my families..damn her..it really show how desperate she is..infront of him she look sweet said sweet things, behind him she just like another bitch, a plastic, a fake drama queen..she thought i didnt know what she sent to my bf, what she said, if you were me, you will also agreed with me, you can see to different characters of her..but my ex dont believe it,he felt for her again..that i couldn't do anything..the worst part and shocked me off is that when she said this "you should be mad seing this mag" yoi..what does she mean?she really want me to see me mad then said the break up word infront of them letting her to use that chance to get him back cause she is desperate..im not going to fall for that..i able to control myself and be patient..but my patient my trust has been missed used and she against so trick using that against me..so now she get what she want and im losing it without my notice without any action..all i do now is to be brave and believe and has faith that what happened now has something to do in the future, something behind in everything happened..i have to learn to let him go, i love him but i cant be with him, i cant tell him and all i can do now is to pray that he will always be happy...

my reason of using blogger!!

Last night a good friend of mine approached me to use blogger..first i was not sure to join as i might not have time for other stuff when i start to write and write..but this morning when i realize that there is a friend of me showing that she cannot be trust at all and at the same time i heard something i don't want to heard about someone making me so anxious and wanna let out before i myself get crazy inside.i love to writing alot. i use to write whatever i felt in a diary before. however as we know diary cannot be read by everyone. and as we also know, we write because we want to share with someone and want someone out there to read and give some feedback...hahahah..ignore that..what i know now, my blog going to be my bestfriend ever...

with love,
mag...