i am on my own

This will be different from now on. I will be on my own. Not gonna start another coming new year with all the same daily things i did this year and before. I am on my own now reschedule my times and activities. This year gonna end different than previous cause i am on my own. No family to celebrate with. So it might be a good start of the new coming year since im gonna be celebrating new year in other place.I am on my own striking for my life goal. I am on my own figure things out. haiz..im talking rubbish now. My mind is not stable now..too many things inside. I miss my girlfriends, miss my study, miss my class, miss all my books. I just cannot wait to start the new semester. I don't care what people said, though sometime i do care. I am weird. For me study is more fun then go clubbing.YEah i am a nerd and i love to be nerd. It is better to be a nerd who love study, who date with books most the time rather than doing things where you end up with trouble and be in miserable.... I MISS MY CAMPUS LIFE!!

cookies smell nice..helping me alot

Ahaks..the smell of cookies really nyummy...everytime i took them out from the oven, my tummy start to sing telling me to have a bite of my own creation..heheh..baking really help me alot. I am less worry now..mind so free..in other word i feel so peaceful.
Soon exam result will come out and soon also im going back to my second home. A new friend can't wait to meet. Hopefully there will be a chance to meet though. Since im the person who likes to make friend, then its a better thing to do oo..plus who knows something else come later on..naa..im joking..not expecting anything..just take things easy and slow..better..rushing causing my adrenaline to flow even faster than the water tap being open in maximum speed. Cant write much now, becauseeeeeeeeeeeee,,,,i just want to wait ...sot..what am i talking..dont know..

im so finished..i screwed everything..

everything is so uncertain, every words came out seem so wrong. I don't feel anything at all after all for almost 3 years the truth was i was always wanted to know. But as the truth came out, i feel nothing, not hurt, not butterfly feeling but just a thinking. Honestly i also don't know whether those are really true or just another sweet mouth, just another words to please me or perhaps just another words that being thought as i wanted to hear that moment. No it is not that i want to hear. Honesty is what i want. I am tired to hear again and again an untruth words. My mind tired to digest it. I barely can see the truth now. All to me is uncertain. There are totally 3 guys in my live, him who i adore so much, he want me and he who assumed us best friend. And I'm confuse now after what i had done. Confuse of myself, my feeling and my thought.
Worries haunting me, tears came out without i realize it. Tears of disappointment of myself. Haiz...i betrayed my self. Where is the love for myself?where is me gone to?why did i let myself being hurt?that is so not the right way to love myself. am i too nice to people, am i so scared to hurt people feeling till i let mine, why is it so hard for me to say NO for something i don't like for something i know i will hate myself much as now. And why did i screwed up my chances. it seem goodbye is the best word i can use for the one i adore and for the one who want me. I am not worthy for them, as far i know, i might have no chance at all from any of them. Everything is wasteful now and its because of my own nice attitude that can't even say no. Naif is the best word instead for me.
i am losing myself, to regret what happen is useless now. I need to leave all of them, i know it is hard to do when comes into contact with feeling. But thats the best way perhaps since i myself feel so wrong and confuse now. I need to find the true me, who i really am. And i just hope i know how to do it. I am a shame of myself and god. i done a huge mistake again, and wasted every effort i had make. I am useless.. haiz.... :(

i had make my final decision

hmm.. all this while i have not come a final answer or decision. why? cause time to time i keep changing my decision, my thought, And before things eating me up, i need to be practical in my own decision, for my own good also. To ensure that my decision won't change, i have been promised to myself that this time im going to be more strict to myself, not going to break it and be determine. Afterall, whatever i am doing now brings nothing, the person i was trying to impress will never seen it and appreciate. and for me, i only get hurt inside. So enough with that. Continue doing that is as equal as i don't love myself. Its like im betraying myself, hurting myself.

ok...i finally decide to forget everything and let go everything i wanted from him. You know love. I just want to give up on love. it is tiring though when you keep trying to win that person heart afterall he didnt even notice you. It is time for me to give it a break and see what is going to happen next year. No need to rush in this thing, i mean love. Moreover there are alot of guys out there. SO till then, i mean till my true love come, i stick to my own standard. Now it is time to enjoy my single life, never thought i can be single this long, i my self couldnot believe it what else people who know me well..hahahahaah/.//.funny..im not the popular highschool girl anymore..im just another normal girl, known by few , ignore by most..some people, my friends, relative call me as the smart girl a.ka. nerd..its ok..i prefer being nerd. ahahah

how to love yourself and increase your self esteem

ahaks..funny but its fun and suggested by the pro though.
I read an article about how to love yourself. So i wanna share and practice it for my self.
heheheeh...yeah..i know what ypu guys think of me with all the journal i wrote about my self. So unpredictable right. Mysterious is the best word.

1st thing, to love yourself, you need to fall inlove to yourself. How? easy..u go to the mirror and look at yourself. I am sure there is a thing in you that you like the most, so use that to appreciate yourself. Like me, when i look in the mirror, i found out i have a nice smile, then i told my self, i am not that ugly though. That makes me happy oo...ignore what people said about you, you know better of yourself than anyone else. We are all god creation, a perfect god creation, so why do we want to judge on people looks, afterall we came from the same person, the creator, god almighty. :)

2nd is to list down all you good qualities and flaw. Learn to forgive yourself, don't keep blame yourself for everything that happened. :) so here is my best quality and flaw..to do this u might need tpo ask opinion from friends, relatives though

10 Good qualities VS 10 flaw
1. Smart sensitive
2. Kind stubborn
3. forgiving too nice
4. Patient lazy
5. Loving get influence easily (sometime)
6. Loyal forceful
7. Honest lie (for good reason)
8. Trustworthy secretive
9. Pretty shy
10. Fun not confident

hahah...this is for fun only though..so don't take to serious on yourself..haiz..im trying to love myself more now..enough with the past and too much time for others.. i have to give some time for my self...ehheeh....

the year almost come to the end

2009, a year of hard time, full of sorrow, lies, drama and unrecover heartbroken then keep being break time to time. I am home now with so many things in my mind. More to mind then heart because i cannot feel anything now, my actifed might have blocking one of my system. But still my flu is bad ever. Haiz...me and sis left at home, parents went out. Nothing nice showing on tv. So sis switch to hitz channel. And guess what, clubbing songs on the air friends. It makes you wanna shake your body, makes you wanna jump into the club and enjoy yourself. I'm enjoying the songs, it makes you feel so alive. I wish i have the gut to go club. But i don't even have the mood for something like that.
The new year is in 26 days, and i have not done anything to get what i wanted yet. It is not im lazy or what, it is just that i don't know what else to do, how to let it out. I even don't know whether i should tell or not. I am in dilemma. I don't know whether you guys ever heard a song from colbie callait so called falling for you. That song describe my situation better now. huh..complicated..how true it is, i dont know, may be it was just me who make it look hard and complicated..i don't know.

I think i may be falling for you,
but i dont know to tell you or no,
i am trying hard enough to not tell you,
but i am dying to tell you,
i guess i was just to fear of what to say,
i guess i was just to scare what will you said,
haiz....
so im hiding the feeling as hard as i can now from you,
but the feeling is driving me crazy.
the only way to less up the crazyness is to let it out in this writting, my blog.
Because, my writting describe me better than my words when i speak out.
I wanted to say this and thats but the outcome always as not i wanted.
And the most important is that im more braver to let it out via my writting than telling you.
Yeah im coward..but i have a logic personal reason for that.
plus, i dont think you will read my blog anyway. So it is safe for me to express everything.

Huh..damn im missing you so much, i tried to tell you in mandarin, but your phone cannot show it which is good also cause i will not be shame or be rejected directly..I miss you #####

almost 12 pm...

In few minutes it will be 12 pm, another new day of december. Times are running fast, as fast as the wind blow, as fast as the day turn dark. I seem to be running out of time. Something is uncompleted, something is holding me not to do the past but what i am in now. But im strong enough now to block that. How long will i be strong, only god knows that. I wish i have the power to control everything, to control things that uncontrol. But i am not god, so i don't have that. However i am god's children, his my father, my only father forever. So to him ask, to him i pray for everything i wanted in my life and to him i surrender everything. It is up to him to answer my prayer or even to grant me my wish, when and how, it is all up to him. The only things i can do now, is to wait patiently though along the wait i will be hurt innerly. I have learn a lot from my past. The most greatest thing is i learn to be patient in everything, even it is the hardest moment. Well that is life. Real life will be boring if there is no ups and downs. Patient and hardest of life that actually makes you, me and others different from anyone. The way we cope to this temptation that separating us. Some people is not strong enough and cannot accept the pain of life, as result they commit sucide.

Before the day end and starting with new beginning, today i makes my self darker. Went for swimming with my sis and cousin. It was a fun day just to hang out and share each others life. I tend to forget my probllem for a while. Hopefully tomorrow will be brighter enough for me. I will never give up no matter how hard it will be for me. No matter how harsh things trying to pull my patient down. I will be strong and patient all the time. No matter how bad people gonna treat me, i will never be bad to them. Because i am me. Not them. Loving people and respect people feeling is very important. Hurting people is as equal as hurting my own feeling. By the way, if my girlfriends tend to read this, I miss you guys. And if that someone might read this, I hope i can tell you everything. Good night...

haiz...saying with no action end up how??...

Have you ever love somebody so much he makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad, you can't sleep at night?
Have you ever try to find a word but they don't come out right?
Have you ever...?

You want this and that,
But have you ever think of what you should do to get it?
You say this and that,
But have you ever bring those words into an action?

Everyone has their own religious belief,
Everyone pray for happiness and when they in need,
Everyone tend to forget of praying when they had everything,
Everyone back to god and pray to him when they are in trouble.

You pray for Love,
Then be a loving person,
You pray for Happiness,
Then be happy and appreciate everything in front of you,
You pray for Forgiveness,
Then learn to not repeat the sins and repent,
You pray for Peace,
Then avoid conflict,
You pray that the world be more Justice.
Then practice it in your life and be fair to everyone,
You pray that people will Treat You nice,
Then treat people the way you want to be treated.

Don't just pray and wait..Nothing gonna happen, it will only makes the prayer wasting of times, thats why after few times of praying, when things didnt come out as been ask, people tend to give up on praying. DO IT AS WHAT YOU PRAY...GOD BLESS YOU..

this it...hehehe

Im feeling better and more happy now. Guess why?heheh...i am inlove and i finallly have been able to make my decision on what i wanted in life and to do now. ok i will start the inlove part first.

After awhile, from all the hard time, pain, heartbroken and those confusing moment, i have realize that i have fall inlove. it makes me happy though. The feeling is different from the previous and i am sure enough that this is the one. The guy that im inlove with is the one and only that i have been searching for. Im glad that i have known him before the year end. He was the guy that i had admired since my first year as an university student. Before this i had only capable to see him for a far and i don't even know his name that time. Everytime i saw him, my heart beating fast and slow. The one time of seing him, making me remember and thought of him all the time till now. As when i accidently saw him somewhere around the campus or in the bus or the cafe, the only thing i wanted to do is to get know who he is. First of all ofcourse to know his name, later may be his number. However my searching of him information during my first year never success cause i don't even know anyone who knows him. So i just let it go as in giving up. But it has never gone form my heart. Second year i did nothing, though i saw him, i didn't dare to approach even he is just a few centimeters away from me. I just smile happily to see him.

I thought it was the end, i will never know him, even his name. Starting my first sem of year 3, things starting to change. I saw him and friends. He was in the same bus with me. My all feeling towards him start to come back. I become so uncomfortable inside. It drive me crazy. I asked my self, is that love? Then i answered to myself. No..Don't think of that..But that moment, i did differently from my previous, Usually when i saw him i did nothing.Just remain silent and keep to myself. But that time, i ask every single person i know do they know him. I even asked my guy friend to go and find him. Silly right. But that is what happening for real. I guess god was watching me all the time, so a day before exam week, i was lucky enough that he seat infront of me in the church. naa ..i took the chance to see him from the back all the time. I am so into him. I asked my friend does he know him soon after mass ended. Yes he said. Soon i got to know him, i told my best girl friends and asked if they know him or any of their friends know. I was shocked that my girl friends actually know him. hahah..funny..all the time im struggling to find a way to get know him but afterall my friends knew. Haiz..

Now i know him, his name, even phone number. Im happy with that. Happy that he is my friend. ehheehhe... I thought it was admiring feeling only, but when i got to know what i wanted to know all this while the feeling change..It is not the normal admiring it was now called love. This i realize only few weeks ago. I was confuse at first of the feeling. So i tend to ignore and avoid the issues. However my action has cause trouble to myself. The feeling killing me and bring me down since i keep avoiding. Confusing and heartbroken started. I can't even concentrate in doing anything since that. I told my self be grateful that you and him are friend now Don't ask for more. So i decided to remain silent afterall i believe silent is golden. Unfortunately, the action was not totally good. Because i never really happen when i decided to in that position, i in fact become more depressed and hurt in side. Neglecting myself so much. Few days ago i talked about this a lot to my girlfriends. I even asked around for opinion both guys and girls. Since then, i start to think carefully and pray a lot to god for help. And i found the answer for everything and i am so happy for the decision i had made.

I choose to let the love feeling i felt to flow in me, to grow as big as it want, as long as it want and just let the flowery garden to bloom. But i also decided not to tell him, i want to kepp this special feeling to myself. Because i am not ready to hear what will he said, i don't how to tell him, i am scared that screw everything. And most of all i am not ready for a heartbroken due to uncertain relationship. So it is better to love him this way. Plus if i let him know that i love him, what is left for me then? Nothing right. So better i keep in safely inside my heart. Hell yeah i am so happy now to have this love inside though i don't get him or to be with him spending times together and share my love. This is it that i wanted to do now to live a brighten life with faith ang courage. Love is the greatest gift. Love is the greatest medication. And i am back to the happy person with new spirit. Thanks to the love. I am starting to love myself more now with this love.

i hate this feeling

Huh..i don't know why but i feel damn sad again. Its like you just broke with someone. Left behind by someone you love. Thats how i felt. But i don't even have any bf yet to break up with me or left me. huh..complicated...i mean what felt now..full of shit... Deep down me, its feel likes my heart be torn apart, break into tiny pieces of a broken glass. To be honest to myself, i miss that someone. But somehow i couldn't even tell or let out. Even my feeling towards that someone also i kept to myself. Hard and pain it is to love someone from far. Never i knew that the admiring thingy turn out to be love. At first i thought it was just another crush. But found out it is not. It has been a month already. And i don't know till when i will able to keep it to myself. I don't know till when i able to hold myself together with letting the missing feeling slip out from my mouth towards him.
Honestly i wanted to tell that im falling for him but im scared oh its more to fear. I fear of heartbroken. I do. Im not ready to be hurt again. But i can't help myself for falling inlove again. It is ridiculous to fall inlove now when he doesn't even know you, see you or even notice you. All what he knew about you is just through messages, phone call and the pictures you let him see or he saw it through the net. Haiz..even in church if seat near him also he didn't notice. Thats make it clear that he doesn't even know how i look in the real life. Haiz...i am might not pretty but why do we still need to judge people base on the looks. haiz again..this is for the third time..and it shows things aren't good for me now. Im lucky enough it is not study time or exam time. If it is i am sure things in school will fall apart because seriously i can't even focus on anything now. Haizzz....
My life getting difficult, my head already tired with all of this, and im getting weak inside. I really hates what i felt. I wish i never approached him. I wish i had never knew his name. And i wish i just admired him from far. Things much more easier to be control in that way. But to regret now is too late, things already happened. And most of all, apart of feeling regret, i feel glad to knew his name and be his friend.

the best way...

Afterall, there is no use to deny it, there is no use to ignore it. The more you deny the more you ignore the hurt you will feel. Why do you have to hide the feeling? Why do you have to avoid that feeling? Why do you have to prevent that feeling from growing as it wanted to? Why do you have to work so hard to forget it? I asked this to myself. As the result of all of this, i make myself worst. More hurt, more down and makes the heartbroken become no better at all. I wanted so much to heal the pain. Wanted so much to forget everything assuming it never happen. But the fact it has happen and it cant be rid off that easy anymore. It has become a part of my life. Now is time for me to decide what to do with it before i myself getting more hurt.

Each and every moment this think popped out in my mind. Every morning of awake, i haveto tell my self, mag u have to forget everything, ignore everything. Hw long can i stand motivating myself like that when i realized i cant even let my mind off from the things even a second? Thus from that i decided that the best way to do now is to admit and accept everything. Just let the feeling grow as far as it want, prevent it only killing you inside. Let it grow, let it out..thats the best and yes i am happy now when i able to accept that i have that sort of feeling though it is unreachable by me and i dont even know will ever got the chance. So i am now leaving with that option, Facing the real fact and stop avoiding but to accept the real.

All i have now with me is faith. No matter how hard life is, no matter how far things will cause me, no matter how ignorance that person, how hurt it will cause me, i am sure i will ok cause i now believe that god will not put me in the hard time, even it is the worst ever if he didnt know im strong enough to go through it. And i believe this a way god teach me to appretiate life and live a better life later on.

i do not know why,but i just want to....

Honestly i don't know why i feel damn sad inside. I really don't. Somehow it feel so not nice inside as in sad because your damn hurt. All i wanted to do now is cry. Yeah cry as hard as i can till i feel better and free inside. But i don't want to cry. I'm controlling myself from dropping any tears now. I just don't want to be the fragile mag as before. It is not easy to be the strong lady and it is not easy to put yourself together after you have be broke into pieces. huh(sigh)..

Inside me, i mean my heart and mind only him. I will not mention who but i know my girlfriends can guess who and for sure he is not my ex boyfriend. i cannot denied it that i am missing him though deep down in me i know he never think of me at all. i just wish i can text him and say hey i miss u so much. But doing that will only make him hate me and ignore me again. I just wish he could understand me. He is so hard to be predict of, one time he is good, nice but at one time he is as hard as a nut. At one time he said this but some other time he will said something opposite that. For me, he seem to be someone who has no Principe in life. I mean he changing his thought easily once he is influence by this or what people said. Still i have him in my mind all the time. Weird but it is true.

His words has really affecting me a lot. The one thing i still could not accept that a guy like him which i thought as something that close to god will said is i'm not attracted to you. Obviously this show he judge people by the look and i feel really bad and down. It hurts me though because previously he said something opposite. haiz.. now im confuse..can't even see any truth. I don't know which from him is true, honest. haiz..i don't know. All i know is i am hurt till now but still my heart would not want to give up on him though the way he treat me so unpleasant. May be i just should get rid of him and move on for something new and certain. But the problem now is how. I have no idea at all..i am stuck again..and yeah help is in need here. huhuhuhu (sigh)

have u ever feel....???

Lame question right? but try to think it out of the box..as in critically.. everyone feels but those everyone knows what that feel? have you ever wake up feeling nothing but so hurt and making u feel sad ?

My answer is, i did..this morning i woke up feeling weird, feeling like im missing something in my life but i do not know what im missing..weird but its true..somehow it makes me feel so down as in sad..i called this as heartless..why? because it is like you feel something in your heart but you do not know what it is really..means you uncertain with that feeling. However that feeling haunting you, your day, your mood all affected.

The hardest part is that you do not know what to do with it, how to handle it or even to get rid off that feeling. People can advice you to not think so much, just ignore it but when want to do, it as hard as anything could exist. All you capable to do is to sit and think what , why and how. And yes this is wasting time and killing you by making you get headache. But what we can do about it. As i said to say is easy but to do in action is hard.

Thus for me, the only thing i prefer to do to let go the unease feeling and moment is by writing, watch something funny and if im comfortable enough to talk about it with someone, i will. if not i will just keep it to myself because sometime explaining to people only makes thing worst and sometime sharing our thoughts will only bring another changes in people perspection towards us. As i always remind to myself, SILENT IS GOLDEN.

Yeah silent is golden but not all the time and not for everything. Sometime silent can cause miss understanding between you and others. So before you decide to be quiet think first whether the thing or people than your dealing with worthy enough for you to just remain silent or take some action. To me silent is golden and i have decided to be silent, keep everything for myself because honestly im scared to let it out, im scared to let that person know. We are human being but we have different heart and mind. We think differently though we are of same age, same blood stream, same hair colour or even having some comment in our personality.

Everyone has their own way of judge or think on things ahead them, good or bad depends on them, so whatever they think not usually as what we wanted or expect. Sometime it can be worst or beyond our expectation but sometime is way too good than what we imagine. As for example, we said something to that someone, and we thought that person will get mad and hates us but somehow, that person kind of liking it and agree with it. And as when we thought the result of saying or our action will bring positive feedback, somehow it is vice versa. weird but yet this is what really happen in this real world. we have to be ready for anything coming, ready with how we will feel though. For better or worst, actually it is depends on us not them because we rule ourself. But feeling you cannot control though because thats come from the mother nature. The best is to surrender to the almighty and let the mother nature do her works.

What do we want is not always what will we get

Good question to ask yourself, to reflect back what you have got in life. Ask yourself, have you gotten every single thing that you wanted badly. Not really right. You know why? Because you are in the real world, not the fantasy, not even your dream. The real life has its own nature rules that we cannot change even if we are those people who involve in law thingy. The rule is there even before any of us exist in this world and it is rule by one very powerful men , who create us, who love us with no regulation, how far are we away from him, he keep trying to make us closer to him in his own way. Without your notice, he is there, admiring you, seeking, checking, finding, stalking, tracking on you but most of all he is there to love you always more than anything. Have you notice that when you are in the hour of sadness, when you are hurt by someone till you cry, there was someone who is there to cheer you up, to wipe your tears and yes he is there to make you laugh again. Have you? Ask yourself.
I know I have been to that kind of situation, and honestly I did feel his around when the time I was in the darkness, needing help so much. He was there all the time with me through my happy and bad moment. He listen to my mourning, he saw I drop some tears. But he never left me alone and just sits there and sees. He came to me with unexpected way, wiping my tears, cheering me up, making me laugh and make me see things the way he is seeing. I am lucky enough though, that I have notice him before it was too late, before I falling into the wrong path of life deeper. After all the bad years, all the bad past I have gone through, only now I realize every single things has it owns reason to happen. And I’m glad that those things happen to me. It teach me a lot, it makes me a grown up lady, not completely for sure but on the way of completing. All the hurt, heartbroken, ups and down in my life are for reason. Well without any of this we will never experience real life both the hardness and the happiness, right? I told to myself, if those past that you have gone through never happen to you, are you going to be who you are now, where you are now. No right, the past is the pathway that leads you to your life now. The real life and we all should be thankful we have gone through it.
I have never regret though, because I believe everything happen have its own reason either for bad or good but somehow it will bring us nearer to the good things though. To those who had contributing in my past, thank you very much and forgive me for every single thing I have done, for every hurt I had cause in. I’m not perfect, I’m just another one of his creation has good and bad side, has advantage and disadvantage, has extra and lack inside. Yeah I’m proud of myself for I have gone through, you all should be proud of yourself for have been able to survive in the ups and downs of your life in the struggling to create your own life. We are all still learning about life, about ourselves, I’m myself still looking for myself, for what I have been missing before, trying to love myself more than anyone because all this while I have neglected myself so much, putting my attention, care and love for others ahead of myself. It is now I switch all the attention, times, love and care to myself.
As to my friends, girlfriends, you guys really rocks, you guys are the apple of my eyes, thank you very much for every single thing, for every single word, for every single time that you guys have spent for me. Back to the main question, what do we want is not always what we will get, but for some reason, I can say that I get what I want to complete me not perfectly but just nice. And guess who, its u guys, my friends, girlfriends.
Thank you for being my cheerleaders. I hope I will be yours too.. ;)

I’m losing Myself

Where is mag, I said to myself..not the old mag I meant, the new happy mag, who do not bother what people said behind, who just ignore the negative and being positive, who focus on her goals of life, who avoid any distraction…where is she, does anyone know where is she now??
For what I know now, mag is losing herself, her dignity, and her positive way of seeing things. She now again back to the mag who has the negative way of seeing things, letting herself down to the fire, creating trouble to her inner self. This is so not mag. Her closest friends would realize this, and they might think the way I’m thinking…mag is weird, she look desperate, exhausted, she is not the cool mag..who say naa to anything that is not important, but she is now the girl who care about everything till she left her own need behind. She really wanted to love herself though. Mag often pray during the month of mother mary asking god to teach her how to love herself, to give her strength, wisdom, peace and happiness of life. Yeah it was a miracle, something so beauty that she did change during that special month, day to day she is glooming, with such a cheerful personality, seriously you can’t even see she in the sad, moody face, but all you can see is a girl who is enjoying herself very much and focus.
But lately, that uHuu mag is gone. I know, I can feel her away, apart from the normal her when I’m around. I’m sad to see her that way. She must be so hurt and sad to be the way she is now. I guess this is another temptation for her again before she fully found the true happiness of life before she found her real self. I wish I can help her. I believe she is struggling to come out from the darkness, from the rope that tight her now from letting go her own personality. And I know she must be crying every night, every moment when the darkness of sadness comes and attacking her. The darkness, really trap her now. Really putting her in a critical situation, where people might change their thought of her. Hopefully people around her would not giving up of her, would not giving up on waiting for the cheer lady to back again. Everything going to be fine, that is what she told herself. Prayer is the only way now, talking to god is the best option to find the way out. That’s what she is in progressing of doing day to day. Hopefully after this, she will be strong than ever, better than ever.
I miss her, I miss mag.. I will pray for her, hopefully she recover soon from this craziness moment. Huhuhu..I never knew I will be missing someone so badly, someone like mag. God please have mercy on me, bring back the uHuu mag to me.. Amen

after awhile... :) im back

halo again...its been awhile i have been logged off from blogging..kind of missing it since it was totally the true me..writing is my passion..one of it actually...heheh...hope it was not too late for me to start it again...this come back bring the new mag with new stories ofcourse..and yeah it will be the honest one...since this is one way i expressing myself..im not good at talk but i think im better in writing...so enjoy reading ya fellow friends....

what is happening??????

I don't know what is happening to me..i have been sick very often already..my flu..hmm..has been 3 weeks ..everyday i got flu and everyday i have to eat my actified, once eating it im fine..but the next day i will get flu again..i don't know what to do..i can't stop myself from taking actified because once i flu it is at the worst level, till i can get fever, my eyes icy and red and sometime watery..huhuhu..if i don't take actified, the flu will continue the next day and can be for a week..huhuhu...i really don't like to be sick like this, i can't do anything at all, there is no a day in my life during this three weeks free from having flu, my hand free from tissue..no there is none...u can see me flu anytime during the day, even u can see that i use a lot of tissue..u even can called me the queen of tissue if u see the amount that i used..huhuhu..and now, i felt like im having fever, my body temperature rise already from the normal level, and worse is my right eyes started to swollen..huhuh..someone please tell me what is happening to my body..i just wanna be happy like the others, live their life normally..huhu..i wish there is a shop that sell spare nose so that i can replace mine..huhuhuhu,,,,,

yeah..it has been 73 days..huhuhu

It has been a while already i'm leaving my life with him. 73 days without him,..73 days he has been away leaving me alone with the big scar..a really deep wound, wound that until now i cant denied and pretending that everything is ok..nothing is ok..it still hurt me alot, i hate myself when all the past starting to hunt me again and again, killing me deeply making me felt really beaten down..what i can say now, he is my silent killer...another side of me really wanted to be happy start my new life with new hopes, new beginning, new journal..but he make everything really hard for me..i just wanna have some joy and peace in me..but it hard..really hard..one time i felt so stupid because letting him,the past controlling me, making me sad, making me can't do anything else and the worse part is until now, though it has been 73 days he left me, dump me, he still manage to make me cry..i hate when i cry, cause i can't stop once my tears started to falling down on my checks..and people who loves me will be the victim of worries..i so selfish once the pain start to playing around with my feeling...i know i have promised to my sis, cousin, friends that i will not cry anymore for him..and yet again and again i break that promise..huhuuhu...i really wanted to be peace with him, making friends with him,but he doesn't want, i wish he still remember what he told me on the day we broke up..he told me that we could and will be friend after this, you can look for me whenever you need me, i wish he remembered that, but he now really wanna vanished me from his life, dont even bother to be friend with me or know about me..i guess he is now really changing, changing from him that i known him before, he is changing becoming just like his gf, someone who choosy in friend..i still remember and hurt indeed when once a time ago i asked her so politely and so friendly whether we are friend..and this what she answered me "we cant be friend mag"..i still wondering why, why can't be friend before..but now i know..its because she still have feeling with him, and she assumed me as her competitor but i in the otherhand never thought her as a competitor at all but as a friend..i wish she knew that...it is ok that if he doesn't want to make me as his friend just like his gf..i will just accept it..
all i can do now is to wish and hope again and again..i wish i never know him, i wish i never be in a relationship with him, i wish i was just a friend to him before,i wish this thing never happen, i wish he knows how i do really miss him sometime, i wish he knows my feeling towards him,i wish he knows how hurt im, i wish he knows how hard i struggle now to forget him, i wish he knows that a part of me really be taken away gone together with him, i wish he knows ..and it will always remain as my wishes..wishes that i know will never come true or been fulfilled even till my last breath, even my last day on earth i knew he would never wanna know about me, would never miss me, would never miss us before, and would never remember our moments of together and most of all i knew he would never go and see me again though its my last day on earth..i have to accept it though it is hurt and hard to be accept by anyone in this world..
There is a time when i really miss him, making me wanna just call him or text him telling him, but i cant do that, there is a time when the past memories replayed on my mind, freshing me up with those sweet moment, making me again, missing him till it makes my tears came out wetting up my face.. it really hurt..once i started to cry because of him, i really cant stop, it really thorn me apart, cutting my heart into slices, making it bleeding like hell..and i have to be strong for that..sometime i cant even control, it really beaten me down..all i can say now is, he is my silent killer..killing me not physically but mentally and emotionally..i know no one able to help me out, it me and myself that only can help my self out..but i can pretending though, its not easy to do that..one time i might happen and forgotten him a while, but one time its the opposite way..life is really hard for me now..im struggling,yeah thats what im doing, making my self busy, as busy as possible, be happy as happy as i can,pretending he is not exits, pretending im happy not hurt and fine already..i know though he is avoiding a far from me, he want me to be happy aand to be alright as before..i wish one day he will remember me and contact me again..i just wanna me and him having peace between us and be normal like others..be friend ..thats all...

it has been a while since...

huhuhu...it has been a while since my last journal. i have been quite busy lately with class, unfinished assignment, activities,,huh..thats the life as student..few weeks ago i was struggling to forget my past and start a new life. so now im starting my new life with an awkward and unbelieveable beginning. but i love it though because it gives me new light, making my garden blooming with beautiful flowers..hahha...during my blog off day, i had decide not again to talk or share my past as it only make and will create more problems in my life. as for more, past is past, no u-turn in life..life must go on without the past blocking your way.. the earlier of the year, i kept on telling to myself and my buddy how unlucky this year going to be for me,..yeah at the first month, i was having a really bad luck in my life. but starting with the new february, everything is changing slowly..and everything including my broken heart getting to recover, all the pain started to vanished, all the sadness starting to cure turning its shape its colour into new happy scene and feeling..but i know it would not be the same always,it will not remain in the same happy condition, it will change and there is high possible it will return turning back to the old sadness colour of life..and yet i couldn't give up, i should and never should let it control my feeling my life though how hard i have to try..
Recently, i met a new guy friend from facebook, he is another nice guy but lately it really hard for me to trust any guy or to believe in what they said as i actually and honestly im having phobia in deep of my self, a phobia of being hurt again deeply till you could feel your heart crying more then your eyes pouring tears onto your checks...im now confuse of what should i do, i really dont know what to do, i dont know when and what will finally will make me trust guy in my life again...i wish god show me the direction, wishing him build a big sign board telling me which direction should i follow so that i dont fall into the big horrified hole again...

i so hurt now..help me.....

Last night suppose to be fun moment for me, but it was damn suck. I went to my school reunion with my sister. i wore white bubble dress with pink heels and my hair was tied up so nicely till i look like a bride. the dinner was at Kuching Park Hotel, and guess what, it was in the same place where my ex boyfriend brother's wedding. Before that i have asked to god to not let me see him..or her ..however things doesn't came as what i wanted it to be... from a far distance as came out from the car moving forward to the hotel lobby, i saw a figure of guy that i know who he might be, my heart feel so not nice, i told my sister "i think i saw him, there infront of the hotel". I try to walk calm and ignore his existen, however, he recognized me, turning at me twice, but i just move forward. i wish he doesn't not see me at all but most of all i wish i had never see him that night. Since then i can't sit still, my mind keep thinking of him, keep wondering if she there.Im so stupid, i have should not think of him, because he never thought of me, my feeling, all he know is to hurt it again and again. The night became more tragic to me when my sister rushed out from the dinner room to the lift area. I followed her from the back went down to the lobby, my heart start to get really bleeding inside when i saw him bring the girl along. seem like the gal just arrived, and i knew its not planned earlier because the girl came about 9pm...i so sad and down by that time, i just could not let my self see them walking towards the hotel, i keep looking at my phone wondering and trying to make my self calm. But only god knows how i felt inside, how hurt i was that moment. they were happy enjoying, but me, suffering for what they done just to reunite..do u think it is fair?but thats the truth, nothing is fair and square in this world.huhuh....it is not i'm jealous seing them together, but i was hurt because i can't believe him and that girl which i thought was nice one done that to me..mayb its my fault being to sweet and good untill people take me for granted..all i want now is that god send one of his angel to help me to forget about him, heel the pain im having inside and go through all this obstacle.. i can't do it along now..after one, there is another challenge came in my life..most of all i wished not to see him or her, as it will only will make my recovering process more slow...just wanna let them know, i forgive them already, i just want them stop talking bout me, because i myself wanna rest in peace as what i told everyone who us bout him and me..i told them he rest in peace...i have nothing to do with him...huhuhu...god please dont let me see him again.....i don't want to feel sad..i just wanna happy...why isn't everytime i start to stop thinking of him, when my feeling for him vanished, when i did't think that he had ever existed in my life, you make me to start to think and down by letting me seing him,....what are you trying to tell me god....hhuhuu..im so not strong as before now..i weak and becoming the mag that been left on the 30th december 2008...now i have to struggle climbing back alll the steps to get rid the pain and my mind over him...i need help so much now....huhuhu

my love journey.... once upon a time

Everyone in this world ever been in love, so do i. but not everyone have gone through the same bad moment as the others might have been in..here out of sudden, my heart wanting me to share and express my experience..not asking for anyone sympathy or what, but hoping it might open some people eyes or see the realities of life. Most of us only see conflict in love through the television, via reading, but not all of us understand and believe that what happened in the drama and the stories we read do happen in this real world. i myself now struggling to believe and accept that though..it is hard but what to do...life must go on

im sure you don't really will understand what i'm talking about..so let me tell u the whole story of my love in the past that some of my closed ones said it just like the drama that we watched in the movie..

i knew this guy at a friend's house during the second day of christmas,..at first i wasn't have any attention to even look at his face but when my cousin keep sayingbout how handsome he is till she felt she likes him already then i got the feeling to see him..yeah he is a really good looking guy with sweet smile and when ever he smile sincerely you could see his eyes shining as pure as the star shining up high in the sky giving you some lights to lightwn up your night..from that moment onward, i kept looking at him, looking observing his characters, his behaviour..i can say that he is a very shy type of guy indeed, and really can see that he is every girl dream guy..once he fall inlove with you, he will do his very best to make you happy,taking care of your feeling...i fall for that..i never thought he did in the same time observing me, looking at me without my notice..but somehow, there is a time when our eyes caught each others eyes, by then both trying hard to cover it up as in nothing was happen...i never knew that, the moment, that certain day will change my life, will change me and will make me fall inlove again..but it has happened and now it left as a sweet moment ,memories of mine that will never will vanished from me, thought how hard i will try to burry it deep inside my brokenheart..no matter how hurt i am now, deep inside me there is still some corner of my heart keep playing, refreshing me with those unforgetfull moment..
i really love him a lot, and i know he does love me when we were in relationship, i still remember how he really wanted me and him to be in the relationship, how he really wanted that relationship to happen till we reunite in god's house..but now its left as another history, i did cried when i reread the email he sent to me before when he was at offshore a day after valentine's day saying he really wanting the relationship to work out..it really make my tears falling as smooth as the water flowing in the river..but now it will always remain as a hope,a wish and another history , and yet another dream that will never will come true as everything has apart...he was a really good guy i can ensure you that,no matter how, no matter what and no matter where he is or where im, he will always by myside, keep on encouraging me, helping me and care for me..i really miss that..really miss him..everything going really well the first 6 months, everything sweet, when i felt i miss him alot and really can stand already not seing him, i fly off to miri just to see him no matter what it takes me too, though i have to skip my class, lied, i willing to do for him..silly me..but what can i do, i really love him more than anything, and so do him that time,i really can see and felt that..however after the 1st 6 months, everything abit by abit..slowly till the 27th december everything start to apart changing drastically..and in one night his feeling change, his mind change..and i cant do anything at all..all i remember now is , someone has really trying hard to make us apart, looking for my mistake to make me look really bad to make him felt so negatively till couldn't see or think in positive way as he always did before...i so couldn't believe that a girl which i thought was a sweet type and assume as a friend, will turn out to be like that..so fake as you will not believe it with your own eyes, so fakes that you will always felt in her trap..and i couldnt stop letting my mind keep viewing the incidents when i caught that girl fetching my bf from his house just after he sent me to my sis's place not come to 1 hour..i really hurt but i control myself from going mad crazily..but i couldn't stop my cousin and sis from being mad at those 2 and scolded them, cause they care for me and were hurt too when seing a guy like him did that,never have they thought he will do such kind of thing..and you know what, the girl said this "i so not like them" and i answer her back "your love ones will do the same thing they do now when they saw your bf with other girl sneak out behind you" she kept quite then suddenly say this "i cannot let you be with this kind of people, you might be hurt"huh what is she thinking hah..she judging people that she really doesn't know at all and the person she was talking about were my families..damn her..it really show how desperate she is..infront of him she look sweet said sweet things, behind him she just like another bitch, a plastic, a fake drama queen..she thought i didnt know what she sent to my bf, what she said, if you were me, you will also agreed with me, you can see to different characters of her..but my ex dont believe it,he felt for her again..that i couldn't do anything..the worst part and shocked me off is that when she said this "you should be mad seing this mag" yoi..what does she mean?she really want me to see me mad then said the break up word infront of them letting her to use that chance to get him back cause she is desperate..im not going to fall for that..i able to control myself and be patient..but my patient my trust has been missed used and she against so trick using that against me..so now she get what she want and im losing it without my notice without any action..all i do now is to be brave and believe and has faith that what happened now has something to do in the future, something behind in everything happened..i have to learn to let him go, i love him but i cant be with him, i cant tell him and all i can do now is to pray that he will always be happy...

my reason of using blogger!!

Last night a good friend of mine approached me to use blogger..first i was not sure to join as i might not have time for other stuff when i start to write and write..but this morning when i realize that there is a friend of me showing that she cannot be trust at all and at the same time i heard something i don't want to heard about someone making me so anxious and wanna let out before i myself get crazy inside.i love to writing alot. i use to write whatever i felt in a diary before. however as we know diary cannot be read by everyone. and as we also know, we write because we want to share with someone and want someone out there to read and give some feedback...hahahah..ignore that..what i know now, my blog going to be my bestfriend ever...

with love,
mag...