i hate this feeling

Huh..i don't know why but i feel damn sad again. Its like you just broke with someone. Left behind by someone you love. Thats how i felt. But i don't even have any bf yet to break up with me or left me. huh..complicated...i mean what felt now..full of shit... Deep down me, its feel likes my heart be torn apart, break into tiny pieces of a broken glass. To be honest to myself, i miss that someone. But somehow i couldn't even tell or let out. Even my feeling towards that someone also i kept to myself. Hard and pain it is to love someone from far. Never i knew that the admiring thingy turn out to be love. At first i thought it was just another crush. But found out it is not. It has been a month already. And i don't know till when i will able to keep it to myself. I don't know till when i able to hold myself together with letting the missing feeling slip out from my mouth towards him.
Honestly i wanted to tell that im falling for him but im scared oh its more to fear. I fear of heartbroken. I do. Im not ready to be hurt again. But i can't help myself for falling inlove again. It is ridiculous to fall inlove now when he doesn't even know you, see you or even notice you. All what he knew about you is just through messages, phone call and the pictures you let him see or he saw it through the net. Haiz..even in church if seat near him also he didn't notice. Thats make it clear that he doesn't even know how i look in the real life. Haiz...i am might not pretty but why do we still need to judge people base on the looks. haiz again..this is for the third time..and it shows things aren't good for me now. Im lucky enough it is not study time or exam time. If it is i am sure things in school will fall apart because seriously i can't even focus on anything now. Haizzz....
My life getting difficult, my head already tired with all of this, and im getting weak inside. I really hates what i felt. I wish i never approached him. I wish i had never knew his name. And i wish i just admired him from far. Things much more easier to be control in that way. But to regret now is too late, things already happened. And most of all, apart of feeling regret, i feel glad to knew his name and be his friend.