i am on my own

This will be different from now on. I will be on my own. Not gonna start another coming new year with all the same daily things i did this year and before. I am on my own now reschedule my times and activities. This year gonna end different than previous cause i am on my own. No family to celebrate with. So it might be a good start of the new coming year since im gonna be celebrating new year in other place.I am on my own striking for my life goal. I am on my own figure things out. haiz..im talking rubbish now. My mind is not stable now..too many things inside. I miss my girlfriends, miss my study, miss my class, miss all my books. I just cannot wait to start the new semester. I don't care what people said, though sometime i do care. I am weird. For me study is more fun then go clubbing.YEah i am a nerd and i love to be nerd. It is better to be a nerd who love study, who date with books most the time rather than doing things where you end up with trouble and be in miserable.... I MISS MY CAMPUS LIFE!!

cookies smell nice..helping me alot

Ahaks..the smell of cookies really nyummy...everytime i took them out from the oven, my tummy start to sing telling me to have a bite of my own creation..heheh..baking really help me alot. I am less worry now..mind so free..in other word i feel so peaceful.
Soon exam result will come out and soon also im going back to my second home. A new friend can't wait to meet. Hopefully there will be a chance to meet though. Since im the person who likes to make friend, then its a better thing to do oo..plus who knows something else come later on..naa..im joking..not expecting anything..just take things easy and slow..better..rushing causing my adrenaline to flow even faster than the water tap being open in maximum speed. Cant write much now, becauseeeeeeeeeeeee,,,,i just want to wait ...sot..what am i talking..dont know..

im so finished..i screwed everything..

everything is so uncertain, every words came out seem so wrong. I don't feel anything at all after all for almost 3 years the truth was i was always wanted to know. But as the truth came out, i feel nothing, not hurt, not butterfly feeling but just a thinking. Honestly i also don't know whether those are really true or just another sweet mouth, just another words to please me or perhaps just another words that being thought as i wanted to hear that moment. No it is not that i want to hear. Honesty is what i want. I am tired to hear again and again an untruth words. My mind tired to digest it. I barely can see the truth now. All to me is uncertain. There are totally 3 guys in my live, him who i adore so much, he want me and he who assumed us best friend. And I'm confuse now after what i had done. Confuse of myself, my feeling and my thought.
Worries haunting me, tears came out without i realize it. Tears of disappointment of myself. Haiz...i betrayed my self. Where is the love for myself?where is me gone to?why did i let myself being hurt?that is so not the right way to love myself. am i too nice to people, am i so scared to hurt people feeling till i let mine, why is it so hard for me to say NO for something i don't like for something i know i will hate myself much as now. And why did i screwed up my chances. it seem goodbye is the best word i can use for the one i adore and for the one who want me. I am not worthy for them, as far i know, i might have no chance at all from any of them. Everything is wasteful now and its because of my own nice attitude that can't even say no. Naif is the best word instead for me.
i am losing myself, to regret what happen is useless now. I need to leave all of them, i know it is hard to do when comes into contact with feeling. But thats the best way perhaps since i myself feel so wrong and confuse now. I need to find the true me, who i really am. And i just hope i know how to do it. I am a shame of myself and god. i done a huge mistake again, and wasted every effort i had make. I am useless.. haiz.... :(

i had make my final decision

hmm.. all this while i have not come a final answer or decision. why? cause time to time i keep changing my decision, my thought, And before things eating me up, i need to be practical in my own decision, for my own good also. To ensure that my decision won't change, i have been promised to myself that this time im going to be more strict to myself, not going to break it and be determine. Afterall, whatever i am doing now brings nothing, the person i was trying to impress will never seen it and appreciate. and for me, i only get hurt inside. So enough with that. Continue doing that is as equal as i don't love myself. Its like im betraying myself, hurting myself.

ok...i finally decide to forget everything and let go everything i wanted from him. You know love. I just want to give up on love. it is tiring though when you keep trying to win that person heart afterall he didnt even notice you. It is time for me to give it a break and see what is going to happen next year. No need to rush in this thing, i mean love. Moreover there are alot of guys out there. SO till then, i mean till my true love come, i stick to my own standard. Now it is time to enjoy my single life, never thought i can be single this long, i my self couldnot believe it what else people who know me well..hahahahaah/.//.funny..im not the popular highschool girl anymore..im just another normal girl, known by few , ignore by most..some people, my friends, relative call me as the smart girl a.ka. nerd..its ok..i prefer being nerd. ahahah

how to love yourself and increase your self esteem

ahaks..funny but its fun and suggested by the pro though.
I read an article about how to love yourself. So i wanna share and practice it for my self.
heheheeh...yeah..i know what ypu guys think of me with all the journal i wrote about my self. So unpredictable right. Mysterious is the best word.

1st thing, to love yourself, you need to fall inlove to yourself. How? easy..u go to the mirror and look at yourself. I am sure there is a thing in you that you like the most, so use that to appreciate yourself. Like me, when i look in the mirror, i found out i have a nice smile, then i told my self, i am not that ugly though. That makes me happy oo...ignore what people said about you, you know better of yourself than anyone else. We are all god creation, a perfect god creation, so why do we want to judge on people looks, afterall we came from the same person, the creator, god almighty. :)

2nd is to list down all you good qualities and flaw. Learn to forgive yourself, don't keep blame yourself for everything that happened. :) so here is my best quality and flaw..to do this u might need tpo ask opinion from friends, relatives though

10 Good qualities VS 10 flaw
1. Smart sensitive
2. Kind stubborn
3. forgiving too nice
4. Patient lazy
5. Loving get influence easily (sometime)
6. Loyal forceful
7. Honest lie (for good reason)
8. Trustworthy secretive
9. Pretty shy
10. Fun not confident

hahah...this is for fun only though..so don't take to serious on yourself..haiz..im trying to love myself more now..enough with the past and too much time for others.. i have to give some time for my self...ehheeh....

the year almost come to the end

2009, a year of hard time, full of sorrow, lies, drama and unrecover heartbroken then keep being break time to time. I am home now with so many things in my mind. More to mind then heart because i cannot feel anything now, my actifed might have blocking one of my system. But still my flu is bad ever. Haiz...me and sis left at home, parents went out. Nothing nice showing on tv. So sis switch to hitz channel. And guess what, clubbing songs on the air friends. It makes you wanna shake your body, makes you wanna jump into the club and enjoy yourself. I'm enjoying the songs, it makes you feel so alive. I wish i have the gut to go club. But i don't even have the mood for something like that.
The new year is in 26 days, and i have not done anything to get what i wanted yet. It is not im lazy or what, it is just that i don't know what else to do, how to let it out. I even don't know whether i should tell or not. I am in dilemma. I don't know whether you guys ever heard a song from colbie callait so called falling for you. That song describe my situation better now. huh..complicated..how true it is, i dont know, may be it was just me who make it look hard and complicated..i don't know.

I think i may be falling for you,
but i dont know to tell you or no,
i am trying hard enough to not tell you,
but i am dying to tell you,
i guess i was just to fear of what to say,
i guess i was just to scare what will you said,
haiz....
so im hiding the feeling as hard as i can now from you,
but the feeling is driving me crazy.
the only way to less up the crazyness is to let it out in this writting, my blog.
Because, my writting describe me better than my words when i speak out.
I wanted to say this and thats but the outcome always as not i wanted.
And the most important is that im more braver to let it out via my writting than telling you.
Yeah im coward..but i have a logic personal reason for that.
plus, i dont think you will read my blog anyway. So it is safe for me to express everything.

Huh..damn im missing you so much, i tried to tell you in mandarin, but your phone cannot show it which is good also cause i will not be shame or be rejected directly..I miss you #####

almost 12 pm...

In few minutes it will be 12 pm, another new day of december. Times are running fast, as fast as the wind blow, as fast as the day turn dark. I seem to be running out of time. Something is uncompleted, something is holding me not to do the past but what i am in now. But im strong enough now to block that. How long will i be strong, only god knows that. I wish i have the power to control everything, to control things that uncontrol. But i am not god, so i don't have that. However i am god's children, his my father, my only father forever. So to him ask, to him i pray for everything i wanted in my life and to him i surrender everything. It is up to him to answer my prayer or even to grant me my wish, when and how, it is all up to him. The only things i can do now, is to wait patiently though along the wait i will be hurt innerly. I have learn a lot from my past. The most greatest thing is i learn to be patient in everything, even it is the hardest moment. Well that is life. Real life will be boring if there is no ups and downs. Patient and hardest of life that actually makes you, me and others different from anyone. The way we cope to this temptation that separating us. Some people is not strong enough and cannot accept the pain of life, as result they commit sucide.

Before the day end and starting with new beginning, today i makes my self darker. Went for swimming with my sis and cousin. It was a fun day just to hang out and share each others life. I tend to forget my probllem for a while. Hopefully tomorrow will be brighter enough for me. I will never give up no matter how hard it will be for me. No matter how harsh things trying to pull my patient down. I will be strong and patient all the time. No matter how bad people gonna treat me, i will never be bad to them. Because i am me. Not them. Loving people and respect people feeling is very important. Hurting people is as equal as hurting my own feeling. By the way, if my girlfriends tend to read this, I miss you guys. And if that someone might read this, I hope i can tell you everything. Good night...

haiz...saying with no action end up how??...

Have you ever love somebody so much he makes you cry?
Have you ever needed something so bad, you can't sleep at night?
Have you ever try to find a word but they don't come out right?
Have you ever...?

You want this and that,
But have you ever think of what you should do to get it?
You say this and that,
But have you ever bring those words into an action?

Everyone has their own religious belief,
Everyone pray for happiness and when they in need,
Everyone tend to forget of praying when they had everything,
Everyone back to god and pray to him when they are in trouble.

You pray for Love,
Then be a loving person,
You pray for Happiness,
Then be happy and appreciate everything in front of you,
You pray for Forgiveness,
Then learn to not repeat the sins and repent,
You pray for Peace,
Then avoid conflict,
You pray that the world be more Justice.
Then practice it in your life and be fair to everyone,
You pray that people will Treat You nice,
Then treat people the way you want to be treated.

Don't just pray and wait..Nothing gonna happen, it will only makes the prayer wasting of times, thats why after few times of praying, when things didnt come out as been ask, people tend to give up on praying. DO IT AS WHAT YOU PRAY...GOD BLESS YOU..

this it...hehehe

Im feeling better and more happy now. Guess why?heheh...i am inlove and i finallly have been able to make my decision on what i wanted in life and to do now. ok i will start the inlove part first.

After awhile, from all the hard time, pain, heartbroken and those confusing moment, i have realize that i have fall inlove. it makes me happy though. The feeling is different from the previous and i am sure enough that this is the one. The guy that im inlove with is the one and only that i have been searching for. Im glad that i have known him before the year end. He was the guy that i had admired since my first year as an university student. Before this i had only capable to see him for a far and i don't even know his name that time. Everytime i saw him, my heart beating fast and slow. The one time of seing him, making me remember and thought of him all the time till now. As when i accidently saw him somewhere around the campus or in the bus or the cafe, the only thing i wanted to do is to get know who he is. First of all ofcourse to know his name, later may be his number. However my searching of him information during my first year never success cause i don't even know anyone who knows him. So i just let it go as in giving up. But it has never gone form my heart. Second year i did nothing, though i saw him, i didn't dare to approach even he is just a few centimeters away from me. I just smile happily to see him.

I thought it was the end, i will never know him, even his name. Starting my first sem of year 3, things starting to change. I saw him and friends. He was in the same bus with me. My all feeling towards him start to come back. I become so uncomfortable inside. It drive me crazy. I asked my self, is that love? Then i answered to myself. No..Don't think of that..But that moment, i did differently from my previous, Usually when i saw him i did nothing.Just remain silent and keep to myself. But that time, i ask every single person i know do they know him. I even asked my guy friend to go and find him. Silly right. But that is what happening for real. I guess god was watching me all the time, so a day before exam week, i was lucky enough that he seat infront of me in the church. naa ..i took the chance to see him from the back all the time. I am so into him. I asked my friend does he know him soon after mass ended. Yes he said. Soon i got to know him, i told my best girl friends and asked if they know him or any of their friends know. I was shocked that my girl friends actually know him. hahah..funny..all the time im struggling to find a way to get know him but afterall my friends knew. Haiz..

Now i know him, his name, even phone number. Im happy with that. Happy that he is my friend. ehheehhe... I thought it was admiring feeling only, but when i got to know what i wanted to know all this while the feeling change..It is not the normal admiring it was now called love. This i realize only few weeks ago. I was confuse at first of the feeling. So i tend to ignore and avoid the issues. However my action has cause trouble to myself. The feeling killing me and bring me down since i keep avoiding. Confusing and heartbroken started. I can't even concentrate in doing anything since that. I told my self be grateful that you and him are friend now Don't ask for more. So i decided to remain silent afterall i believe silent is golden. Unfortunately, the action was not totally good. Because i never really happen when i decided to in that position, i in fact become more depressed and hurt in side. Neglecting myself so much. Few days ago i talked about this a lot to my girlfriends. I even asked around for opinion both guys and girls. Since then, i start to think carefully and pray a lot to god for help. And i found the answer for everything and i am so happy for the decision i had made.

I choose to let the love feeling i felt to flow in me, to grow as big as it want, as long as it want and just let the flowery garden to bloom. But i also decided not to tell him, i want to kepp this special feeling to myself. Because i am not ready to hear what will he said, i don't how to tell him, i am scared that screw everything. And most of all i am not ready for a heartbroken due to uncertain relationship. So it is better to love him this way. Plus if i let him know that i love him, what is left for me then? Nothing right. So better i keep in safely inside my heart. Hell yeah i am so happy now to have this love inside though i don't get him or to be with him spending times together and share my love. This is it that i wanted to do now to live a brighten life with faith ang courage. Love is the greatest gift. Love is the greatest medication. And i am back to the happy person with new spirit. Thanks to the love. I am starting to love myself more now with this love.

i hate this feeling

Huh..i don't know why but i feel damn sad again. Its like you just broke with someone. Left behind by someone you love. Thats how i felt. But i don't even have any bf yet to break up with me or left me. huh..complicated...i mean what felt now..full of shit... Deep down me, its feel likes my heart be torn apart, break into tiny pieces of a broken glass. To be honest to myself, i miss that someone. But somehow i couldn't even tell or let out. Even my feeling towards that someone also i kept to myself. Hard and pain it is to love someone from far. Never i knew that the admiring thingy turn out to be love. At first i thought it was just another crush. But found out it is not. It has been a month already. And i don't know till when i will able to keep it to myself. I don't know till when i able to hold myself together with letting the missing feeling slip out from my mouth towards him.
Honestly i wanted to tell that im falling for him but im scared oh its more to fear. I fear of heartbroken. I do. Im not ready to be hurt again. But i can't help myself for falling inlove again. It is ridiculous to fall inlove now when he doesn't even know you, see you or even notice you. All what he knew about you is just through messages, phone call and the pictures you let him see or he saw it through the net. Haiz..even in church if seat near him also he didn't notice. Thats make it clear that he doesn't even know how i look in the real life. Haiz...i am might not pretty but why do we still need to judge people base on the looks. haiz again..this is for the third time..and it shows things aren't good for me now. Im lucky enough it is not study time or exam time. If it is i am sure things in school will fall apart because seriously i can't even focus on anything now. Haizzz....
My life getting difficult, my head already tired with all of this, and im getting weak inside. I really hates what i felt. I wish i never approached him. I wish i had never knew his name. And i wish i just admired him from far. Things much more easier to be control in that way. But to regret now is too late, things already happened. And most of all, apart of feeling regret, i feel glad to knew his name and be his friend.

the best way...

Afterall, there is no use to deny it, there is no use to ignore it. The more you deny the more you ignore the hurt you will feel. Why do you have to hide the feeling? Why do you have to avoid that feeling? Why do you have to prevent that feeling from growing as it wanted to? Why do you have to work so hard to forget it? I asked this to myself. As the result of all of this, i make myself worst. More hurt, more down and makes the heartbroken become no better at all. I wanted so much to heal the pain. Wanted so much to forget everything assuming it never happen. But the fact it has happen and it cant be rid off that easy anymore. It has become a part of my life. Now is time for me to decide what to do with it before i myself getting more hurt.

Each and every moment this think popped out in my mind. Every morning of awake, i haveto tell my self, mag u have to forget everything, ignore everything. Hw long can i stand motivating myself like that when i realized i cant even let my mind off from the things even a second? Thus from that i decided that the best way to do now is to admit and accept everything. Just let the feeling grow as far as it want, prevent it only killing you inside. Let it grow, let it out..thats the best and yes i am happy now when i able to accept that i have that sort of feeling though it is unreachable by me and i dont even know will ever got the chance. So i am now leaving with that option, Facing the real fact and stop avoiding but to accept the real.

All i have now with me is faith. No matter how hard life is, no matter how far things will cause me, no matter how ignorance that person, how hurt it will cause me, i am sure i will ok cause i now believe that god will not put me in the hard time, even it is the worst ever if he didnt know im strong enough to go through it. And i believe this a way god teach me to appretiate life and live a better life later on.