this it...hehehe

Im feeling better and more happy now. Guess why?heheh...i am inlove and i finallly have been able to make my decision on what i wanted in life and to do now. ok i will start the inlove part first.

After awhile, from all the hard time, pain, heartbroken and those confusing moment, i have realize that i have fall inlove. it makes me happy though. The feeling is different from the previous and i am sure enough that this is the one. The guy that im inlove with is the one and only that i have been searching for. Im glad that i have known him before the year end. He was the guy that i had admired since my first year as an university student. Before this i had only capable to see him for a far and i don't even know his name that time. Everytime i saw him, my heart beating fast and slow. The one time of seing him, making me remember and thought of him all the time till now. As when i accidently saw him somewhere around the campus or in the bus or the cafe, the only thing i wanted to do is to get know who he is. First of all ofcourse to know his name, later may be his number. However my searching of him information during my first year never success cause i don't even know anyone who knows him. So i just let it go as in giving up. But it has never gone form my heart. Second year i did nothing, though i saw him, i didn't dare to approach even he is just a few centimeters away from me. I just smile happily to see him.

I thought it was the end, i will never know him, even his name. Starting my first sem of year 3, things starting to change. I saw him and friends. He was in the same bus with me. My all feeling towards him start to come back. I become so uncomfortable inside. It drive me crazy. I asked my self, is that love? Then i answered to myself. No..Don't think of that..But that moment, i did differently from my previous, Usually when i saw him i did nothing.Just remain silent and keep to myself. But that time, i ask every single person i know do they know him. I even asked my guy friend to go and find him. Silly right. But that is what happening for real. I guess god was watching me all the time, so a day before exam week, i was lucky enough that he seat infront of me in the church. naa ..i took the chance to see him from the back all the time. I am so into him. I asked my friend does he know him soon after mass ended. Yes he said. Soon i got to know him, i told my best girl friends and asked if they know him or any of their friends know. I was shocked that my girl friends actually know him. hahah..funny..all the time im struggling to find a way to get know him but afterall my friends knew. Haiz..

Now i know him, his name, even phone number. Im happy with that. Happy that he is my friend. ehheehhe... I thought it was admiring feeling only, but when i got to know what i wanted to know all this while the feeling change..It is not the normal admiring it was now called love. This i realize only few weeks ago. I was confuse at first of the feeling. So i tend to ignore and avoid the issues. However my action has cause trouble to myself. The feeling killing me and bring me down since i keep avoiding. Confusing and heartbroken started. I can't even concentrate in doing anything since that. I told my self be grateful that you and him are friend now Don't ask for more. So i decided to remain silent afterall i believe silent is golden. Unfortunately, the action was not totally good. Because i never really happen when i decided to in that position, i in fact become more depressed and hurt in side. Neglecting myself so much. Few days ago i talked about this a lot to my girlfriends. I even asked around for opinion both guys and girls. Since then, i start to think carefully and pray a lot to god for help. And i found the answer for everything and i am so happy for the decision i had made.

I choose to let the love feeling i felt to flow in me, to grow as big as it want, as long as it want and just let the flowery garden to bloom. But i also decided not to tell him, i want to kepp this special feeling to myself. Because i am not ready to hear what will he said, i don't how to tell him, i am scared that screw everything. And most of all i am not ready for a heartbroken due to uncertain relationship. So it is better to love him this way. Plus if i let him know that i love him, what is left for me then? Nothing right. So better i keep in safely inside my heart. Hell yeah i am so happy now to have this love inside though i don't get him or to be with him spending times together and share my love. This is it that i wanted to do now to live a brighten life with faith ang courage. Love is the greatest gift. Love is the greatest medication. And i am back to the happy person with new spirit. Thanks to the love. I am starting to love myself more now with this love.