i do not know why,but i just want to....

Honestly i don't know why i feel damn sad inside. I really don't. Somehow it feel so not nice inside as in sad because your damn hurt. All i wanted to do now is cry. Yeah cry as hard as i can till i feel better and free inside. But i don't want to cry. I'm controlling myself from dropping any tears now. I just don't want to be the fragile mag as before. It is not easy to be the strong lady and it is not easy to put yourself together after you have be broke into pieces. huh(sigh)..

Inside me, i mean my heart and mind only him. I will not mention who but i know my girlfriends can guess who and for sure he is not my ex boyfriend. i cannot denied it that i am missing him though deep down in me i know he never think of me at all. i just wish i can text him and say hey i miss u so much. But doing that will only make him hate me and ignore me again. I just wish he could understand me. He is so hard to be predict of, one time he is good, nice but at one time he is as hard as a nut. At one time he said this but some other time he will said something opposite that. For me, he seem to be someone who has no Principe in life. I mean he changing his thought easily once he is influence by this or what people said. Still i have him in my mind all the time. Weird but it is true.

His words has really affecting me a lot. The one thing i still could not accept that a guy like him which i thought as something that close to god will said is i'm not attracted to you. Obviously this show he judge people by the look and i feel really bad and down. It hurts me though because previously he said something opposite. haiz.. now im confuse..can't even see any truth. I don't know which from him is true, honest. haiz..i don't know. All i know is i am hurt till now but still my heart would not want to give up on him though the way he treat me so unpleasant. May be i just should get rid of him and move on for something new and certain. But the problem now is how. I have no idea at all..i am stuck again..and yeah help is in need here. huhuhuhu (sigh)

have u ever feel....???

Lame question right? but try to think it out of the box..as in critically.. everyone feels but those everyone knows what that feel? have you ever wake up feeling nothing but so hurt and making u feel sad ?

My answer is, i did..this morning i woke up feeling weird, feeling like im missing something in my life but i do not know what im missing..weird but its true..somehow it makes me feel so down as in sad..i called this as heartless..why? because it is like you feel something in your heart but you do not know what it is really..means you uncertain with that feeling. However that feeling haunting you, your day, your mood all affected.

The hardest part is that you do not know what to do with it, how to handle it or even to get rid off that feeling. People can advice you to not think so much, just ignore it but when want to do, it as hard as anything could exist. All you capable to do is to sit and think what , why and how. And yes this is wasting time and killing you by making you get headache. But what we can do about it. As i said to say is easy but to do in action is hard.

Thus for me, the only thing i prefer to do to let go the unease feeling and moment is by writing, watch something funny and if im comfortable enough to talk about it with someone, i will. if not i will just keep it to myself because sometime explaining to people only makes thing worst and sometime sharing our thoughts will only bring another changes in people perspection towards us. As i always remind to myself, SILENT IS GOLDEN.

Yeah silent is golden but not all the time and not for everything. Sometime silent can cause miss understanding between you and others. So before you decide to be quiet think first whether the thing or people than your dealing with worthy enough for you to just remain silent or take some action. To me silent is golden and i have decided to be silent, keep everything for myself because honestly im scared to let it out, im scared to let that person know. We are human being but we have different heart and mind. We think differently though we are of same age, same blood stream, same hair colour or even having some comment in our personality.

Everyone has their own way of judge or think on things ahead them, good or bad depends on them, so whatever they think not usually as what we wanted or expect. Sometime it can be worst or beyond our expectation but sometime is way too good than what we imagine. As for example, we said something to that someone, and we thought that person will get mad and hates us but somehow, that person kind of liking it and agree with it. And as when we thought the result of saying or our action will bring positive feedback, somehow it is vice versa. weird but yet this is what really happen in this real world. we have to be ready for anything coming, ready with how we will feel though. For better or worst, actually it is depends on us not them because we rule ourself. But feeling you cannot control though because thats come from the mother nature. The best is to surrender to the almighty and let the mother nature do her works.

What do we want is not always what will we get

Good question to ask yourself, to reflect back what you have got in life. Ask yourself, have you gotten every single thing that you wanted badly. Not really right. You know why? Because you are in the real world, not the fantasy, not even your dream. The real life has its own nature rules that we cannot change even if we are those people who involve in law thingy. The rule is there even before any of us exist in this world and it is rule by one very powerful men , who create us, who love us with no regulation, how far are we away from him, he keep trying to make us closer to him in his own way. Without your notice, he is there, admiring you, seeking, checking, finding, stalking, tracking on you but most of all he is there to love you always more than anything. Have you notice that when you are in the hour of sadness, when you are hurt by someone till you cry, there was someone who is there to cheer you up, to wipe your tears and yes he is there to make you laugh again. Have you? Ask yourself.
I know I have been to that kind of situation, and honestly I did feel his around when the time I was in the darkness, needing help so much. He was there all the time with me through my happy and bad moment. He listen to my mourning, he saw I drop some tears. But he never left me alone and just sits there and sees. He came to me with unexpected way, wiping my tears, cheering me up, making me laugh and make me see things the way he is seeing. I am lucky enough though, that I have notice him before it was too late, before I falling into the wrong path of life deeper. After all the bad years, all the bad past I have gone through, only now I realize every single things has it owns reason to happen. And I’m glad that those things happen to me. It teach me a lot, it makes me a grown up lady, not completely for sure but on the way of completing. All the hurt, heartbroken, ups and down in my life are for reason. Well without any of this we will never experience real life both the hardness and the happiness, right? I told to myself, if those past that you have gone through never happen to you, are you going to be who you are now, where you are now. No right, the past is the pathway that leads you to your life now. The real life and we all should be thankful we have gone through it.
I have never regret though, because I believe everything happen have its own reason either for bad or good but somehow it will bring us nearer to the good things though. To those who had contributing in my past, thank you very much and forgive me for every single thing I have done, for every hurt I had cause in. I’m not perfect, I’m just another one of his creation has good and bad side, has advantage and disadvantage, has extra and lack inside. Yeah I’m proud of myself for I have gone through, you all should be proud of yourself for have been able to survive in the ups and downs of your life in the struggling to create your own life. We are all still learning about life, about ourselves, I’m myself still looking for myself, for what I have been missing before, trying to love myself more than anyone because all this while I have neglected myself so much, putting my attention, care and love for others ahead of myself. It is now I switch all the attention, times, love and care to myself.
As to my friends, girlfriends, you guys really rocks, you guys are the apple of my eyes, thank you very much for every single thing, for every single word, for every single time that you guys have spent for me. Back to the main question, what do we want is not always what we will get, but for some reason, I can say that I get what I want to complete me not perfectly but just nice. And guess who, its u guys, my friends, girlfriends.
Thank you for being my cheerleaders. I hope I will be yours too.. ;)

I’m losing Myself

Where is mag, I said to myself..not the old mag I meant, the new happy mag, who do not bother what people said behind, who just ignore the negative and being positive, who focus on her goals of life, who avoid any distraction…where is she, does anyone know where is she now??
For what I know now, mag is losing herself, her dignity, and her positive way of seeing things. She now again back to the mag who has the negative way of seeing things, letting herself down to the fire, creating trouble to her inner self. This is so not mag. Her closest friends would realize this, and they might think the way I’m thinking…mag is weird, she look desperate, exhausted, she is not the cool mag..who say naa to anything that is not important, but she is now the girl who care about everything till she left her own need behind. She really wanted to love herself though. Mag often pray during the month of mother mary asking god to teach her how to love herself, to give her strength, wisdom, peace and happiness of life. Yeah it was a miracle, something so beauty that she did change during that special month, day to day she is glooming, with such a cheerful personality, seriously you can’t even see she in the sad, moody face, but all you can see is a girl who is enjoying herself very much and focus.
But lately, that uHuu mag is gone. I know, I can feel her away, apart from the normal her when I’m around. I’m sad to see her that way. She must be so hurt and sad to be the way she is now. I guess this is another temptation for her again before she fully found the true happiness of life before she found her real self. I wish I can help her. I believe she is struggling to come out from the darkness, from the rope that tight her now from letting go her own personality. And I know she must be crying every night, every moment when the darkness of sadness comes and attacking her. The darkness, really trap her now. Really putting her in a critical situation, where people might change their thought of her. Hopefully people around her would not giving up of her, would not giving up on waiting for the cheer lady to back again. Everything going to be fine, that is what she told herself. Prayer is the only way now, talking to god is the best option to find the way out. That’s what she is in progressing of doing day to day. Hopefully after this, she will be strong than ever, better than ever.
I miss her, I miss mag.. I will pray for her, hopefully she recover soon from this craziness moment. Huhuhu..I never knew I will be missing someone so badly, someone like mag. God please have mercy on me, bring back the uHuu mag to me.. Amen

after awhile... :) im back

halo again...its been awhile i have been logged off from blogging..kind of missing it since it was totally the true me..writing is my passion..one of it actually...heheh...hope it was not too late for me to start it again...this come back bring the new mag with new stories ofcourse..and yeah it will be the honest one...since this is one way i expressing myself..im not good at talk but i think im better in writing...so enjoy reading ya fellow friends....