yeah..it has been 73 days..huhuhu

It has been a while already i'm leaving my life with him. 73 days without him,..73 days he has been away leaving me alone with the big scar..a really deep wound, wound that until now i cant denied and pretending that everything is ok..nothing is ok..it still hurt me alot, i hate myself when all the past starting to hunt me again and again, killing me deeply making me felt really beaten down..what i can say now, he is my silent killer...another side of me really wanted to be happy start my new life with new hopes, new beginning, new journal..but he make everything really hard for me..i just wanna have some joy and peace in me..but it hard..really hard..one time i felt so stupid because letting him,the past controlling me, making me sad, making me can't do anything else and the worse part is until now, though it has been 73 days he left me, dump me, he still manage to make me cry..i hate when i cry, cause i can't stop once my tears started to falling down on my checks..and people who loves me will be the victim of worries..i so selfish once the pain start to playing around with my feeling...i know i have promised to my sis, cousin, friends that i will not cry anymore for him..and yet again and again i break that promise..huhuuhu...i really wanted to be peace with him, making friends with him,but he doesn't want, i wish he still remember what he told me on the day we broke up..he told me that we could and will be friend after this, you can look for me whenever you need me, i wish he remembered that, but he now really wanna vanished me from his life, dont even bother to be friend with me or know about me..i guess he is now really changing, changing from him that i known him before, he is changing becoming just like his gf, someone who choosy in friend..i still remember and hurt indeed when once a time ago i asked her so politely and so friendly whether we are friend..and this what she answered me "we cant be friend mag"..i still wondering why, why can't be friend before..but now i know..its because she still have feeling with him, and she assumed me as her competitor but i in the otherhand never thought her as a competitor at all but as a friend..i wish she knew that...it is ok that if he doesn't want to make me as his friend just like his gf..i will just accept it..
all i can do now is to wish and hope again and again..i wish i never know him, i wish i never be in a relationship with him, i wish i was just a friend to him before,i wish this thing never happen, i wish he knows how i do really miss him sometime, i wish he knows my feeling towards him,i wish he knows how hurt im, i wish he knows how hard i struggle now to forget him, i wish he knows that a part of me really be taken away gone together with him, i wish he knows ..and it will always remain as my wishes..wishes that i know will never come true or been fulfilled even till my last breath, even my last day on earth i knew he would never wanna know about me, would never miss me, would never miss us before, and would never remember our moments of together and most of all i knew he would never go and see me again though its my last day on earth..i have to accept it though it is hurt and hard to be accept by anyone in this world..
There is a time when i really miss him, making me wanna just call him or text him telling him, but i cant do that, there is a time when the past memories replayed on my mind, freshing me up with those sweet moment, making me again, missing him till it makes my tears came out wetting up my face.. it really hurt..once i started to cry because of him, i really cant stop, it really thorn me apart, cutting my heart into slices, making it bleeding like hell..and i have to be strong for that..sometime i cant even control, it really beaten me down..all i can say now is, he is my silent killer..killing me not physically but mentally and emotionally..i know no one able to help me out, it me and myself that only can help my self out..but i can pretending though, its not easy to do that..one time i might happen and forgotten him a while, but one time its the opposite way..life is really hard for me now..im struggling,yeah thats what im doing, making my self busy, as busy as possible, be happy as happy as i can,pretending he is not exits, pretending im happy not hurt and fine already..i know though he is avoiding a far from me, he want me to be happy aand to be alright as before..i wish one day he will remember me and contact me again..i just wanna me and him having peace between us and be normal like others..be friend ..thats all...